it’s just me.

sharing.

opening up and exposing my heart a little bit. always a bit awkward and uncomfortable.

i’ve been in the middle of an ugly mental battle since monday.

i can’t even say with certainty what started it.

loser #1 ~ the voice of doubt

i always struggle a little with doubt. it’s not anything new. sometimes the voice is so quiet i’m not even sure it’s there. other times, like now, i feel like it’s screaming right in my ear rattling my eardrum.

it can become paralyzing. it can turn me into a quitter.

i hate it.

loser #2 ~ the giant of fear

i’m afraid.

i’m afraid all the hard work i’ve put into living a healthier life over the past year will vanish. i’m afraid i’m going to sabotage myself. i’m afraid i’m going to go back to my old ways.

and i’m afraid.

. . . . . . . .

honestly, i really want to punch both of those losers in the face.

Just in case you missed the earlier installments, here is Part I and Part II.

11} Teach a photography workshop.

I’m excited {and nervous} to announce that this is in the works! Yes, yes it is. Melissa and I are partnering up to teach a workshop together in the spring. It will be a very small workshop hosted in my home for any local people interested. We’re still in the brainstorming phase, but I am so excited about the possibilities.

I foresee lots of fun in this workshop’s future.

Also, I keep telling myself, “If you plan it, they will come.”

12} Complete the C25K program.

When I started this list back in the summer, I was in the beginning weeks of the Couch 2 5K program. I was so afraid I would quit and not finish that I added it to my List of Dreams. I hoped if I wrote it down and saw it staring back at me I would have the extra motivation to keep going.

It worked.

Man, oh man. I can’t tell y’all how good it feels to cross that off my list.

13} Tour a vineyard.

I have never ever ever ever been to a vineyard. Ever.

I want to.

Somethin’ fierce.

Who wants to be my designated driver? ‘Cuz I would totally need one.

::snort out loud::

But, seriously . . .

14} Be in a flash-mob.

If you are anything like my man, I feel I need to clarify that being in a flash-mob does not involve flashing anyone.

::snort out loud::

A flash-mob is when a group of people spontaneously break out into a choreographed dance routine in public.

The sad part of this item on my list is I had the opportunity to do this last year at Blissdom, but I chickened out.

Let me repeat that: I chickened out.

::hangs head in shame::

What was I thinking?! Lame, Ruthanne. Just lame.

15} Open a photography business.

This was a scary one for me.

Opening a business, in and of itself, is not overly complicated.

Overcoming your inner naysayer, critic and incessant doubter and deciding to take the plunge . . . that is what is scary.

Can I do this? Will I fail? Will people laugh at me behind my back? Will anyone hire me?

On and on and on . . . .

Yes, I’ll fail. Yes, people will laugh at me. Yes, there will be people who won’t hire me.

And that’s okay.

Failure is actually a good thing. It means you’re putting yourself out there and doing something.

I guess I should add another item sub-set under this one: Grow a successful and thriving business.

I’m working on it. Slowly, but surely.

****************************************************

What about you? Have you started your list yet? What’s your number one?

Late last week, the crew and I headed down to Melissa’s place on our way to Dallas for Cotton Bowl weekend.

Can I get a Woo Pig?!

Melissa had rearranged her living room and mantel again. She does that a lot. Unlike me. I never rearrange anything.

Lazy much, Ruthanne? Check.

Back to Melissa.

I fell in love. All the gallery wrapped prints on the wall, the angled couch with the rustic table pushed up behind it, and the mantel filled with whatnots.

One of the things I adore about visiting Melissa is I always feel right at home as soon as I step in her door. Don’t you love places like that?!

The only thing it’s missing is a coffee pot. And coffee. And coffee cups. {Obviously, our friendship is missing a key ingredient. Coffee.}

Melissa took us out to one of her favorite spots for photography sessions. It’s a beautiful spot with a pond, gentle rolling hills and wooded areas. #jealous

You just never know when Darth Vader might show up. I mean you could be out in the middle of nowhere Arkansas and BAM! . . . there he is.

Kind of scary.

And fun.

Before we left Melissa’s place, I made her snap a picture of the kids and I using my camera.

P. S. I tried to figure out a way to bring that wagon home with me in my van. Without Melissa noticing. Or missing it.

P. P. S. Lil’ Darth informed me the other day that when he grows up he wants to find a wife who loves to play with Star Wars Legos as much as he does. Well . . . . alrighty then. Good luck with that.

do you see the gray hairs starting to make their presence known?

or

do you see the years that have brought both victory and failures and along with them wisdom and insight?

do you see the wrinkles that frame your eyes?

or

do you see the moments of laughter combined together over a lifetime that brought those lines?

do you see the marks carved into your body from each pregnancy?

or

do you see the children who fill your home with joy and taught you what it means to love unconditionally?

a daily battle to look past what the world does not value and remind myself of what true beauty is made of.

gray hair, wrinkles, stretch marks and all.

I found myself in the library yesterday afternoon having to check-out books for myself. Gasp! Purchasing that Garmin swallowed up all of my funds for the month, so my usual Kindle shopping is on a standstill until further notice. Ouch. That can hurt a girl, ya know.

Here’s what I picked up:

Ultramarathon Man: Confessions of an All-night Runner – I had never heard of Dean Karnazes until just last month and WHOA! . . . dude is intense. Actually, intense probably isn’t a strong enough word. I’m very curious about him now. Not that I have any desire whatsoever to get into running the kind of distances that he runs. Whatsoever. However, I find his kind of drive and endurance fascinating.

Mini-Shopaholic – Sophie Kinsella is one of my favorite fluffy writers. She makes me snort. This book has been out for a couple of years {I think}, so I’m kind of ashamed I’m just now getting around to reading it.

The Immortal Life of Henrietta Lacks – I saw this book all over the blogosphere last year. When I saw it in the library yesterday, I figured I’d give it a whirl. I’m actually reading this book first.

The Accidental Athlete: A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to Middle Age {not pictured because it’s on my Kindle} – I was gifted this book for Christmas and read it in a day. I did not get into the first section of the book where he shares about his childhood. I just felt like he could have summarized it in one good chapter and been done. Instead, it felt like he draaaagged it out. Other than that first section, I loved this book! Seriously. I found it so encouraging. If you are a late bloomer to running like me and you sometimes struggle with comparing your running to others, then you may get something out of this book, too. The bottom line: Enjoy each run as if it were your last best day because you never know when your last best day will be.

What are you reading these days?

Just in case you missed Part I – here it is.

6} Teach all of my children how to read.

I have one more child to go. One. More.

There was a time when the thought of teaching one single person how to read made me want to run and hide. Oh, wait. That was just last week.

::snort out loud::

Joking. Only joking. #kindof

Honestly, I’m more proud of teaching my children to read than I am about so many other things. This is a big one in my book.

7} Try in-door rock-climbing.

A year ago this would have never even been on my radar, but I’ve been feeling a little more crazy lately.

Now that I think of it, it’s not really that crazy. I mean . . . . it IS in-door rock-climbing monitored by professionals. It’s not like I’m repelling off the side of a mountain solo. Right? #snort

8} Re-learn to play the flute.

This is one of my big regrets. If I could go back to my fifteen year old self and whack myself over the head a few times, I totally would. I ain’t braggin’ or nothin’ . . . {name that movie}, but I was actually fairly decent. I believe I could have gone far if I hadn’t quit.

I just up and quit. Just like that.

My poor mother. She probably wanted to stick her head through a wall with all of my genius decision making back then.

Right now, my flute is patiently sitting under the bed in my bedroom. It needs a really good cleaning and some of the pads probably need to be replaced, but other than that I think it should be in excellent condition.

I just need to set the money aside and stop making excuses.

9} Take ballroom dancing lessons.

My man and I took a 30-minute lesson a few years ago on one of our anniversaries. It was so much fun!

Dancing with your man . . . . hmmmmm. I highly recommend it.

I would love to take a series of lessons. I just need to talk him into it.

10} Take a wine appreciation class.

Honestly . . . . I’m not picky when it comes to wine. My man buys the cheapest wine to keep our wine rack stocked. I wouldn’t know the difference between good wine and great wine, but I’m a willing learner.

UPDATE on 5} Bake a moist, yellow cake from scratch: I gave it a try a couple of weeks ago and . . . . bombed. It was so dry. So, so soooo dry. I’m not giving up, though.

catchy title, right?

i had intended to post this yesterday, but school didn’t stop happening until 5 o’clock. then, i pretty much felt like sticking a sharp object in my eye, so instead of blogging i watched episodes of sister wives of netflix.

have you seen this show?

i’m not gonna lie. i want me some sister wives. one for cleaning. one for cooking. one for grocery shopping. one for homeschooling. you get the general idea. i would look after my man. i’m territorial like that. basically, i would have the fun job.

::snort out loud::

yes, i totally just blogged that.

welcome back, ruthanne! yee-haw!

anyway, this post is about dreams. no, sister wives has not made it on my dream list. just in case you were wondering. #hardyharhar

my list isn’t complete. i’ll just be adding to it as i think of things. also, things aren’t listed in any kind of order.

the list is random.

imagine that.

1} have an espresso at a sidewalk cafe in paris.

this is probably on everybody’s dream list. well . . . unless you hate espresso. i realize this is a cheesy thing to list, but that’s okay. this is my list and i like cheese.

2} take a ride in a hot air balloon.

this one kinda skeers me. heights freak me out, but i think it would be so amazing that the beauty of it would far outweigh the fear factor. besides, it’s not like i would be traveling at great speeds, right? i mean those hot air balloons go at a gentle pace, right? right?

3} read all the jane austen books with my daughter.

i would love to experience each of her books anew through the eyes of my girl. also, i think that qualifies as bonding time.

4} go tent camping as a family.

it’s happening. this weekend.

i’m kinda skeered.

maybe i’ll blog about it. if i survive.

in all seriousness, i think i just came to the realization i don’t want my children to miss out on something {a life experience} simply because it’s not “my thing.”

5} bake a moist, yellow cake from scratch.

i’m dreaming big, y’all.

the emphasis is on the word moist. i’ve baked yellow cakes from scratch before. they were just straight up icky, crumbly and drydrydrydry. i can’t stand dry cake. blah.

i’m determined to conquer this.

**********************************************

and there you have. the first five things on my list of dreams. exciting stuff, no?

what about you? come one. ‘fess up.

hello? hello?

is anyone out there?

i’m pretty sure i’ve run off 99% of my previous readers with my awesome blogger slacker skills.

so many of my on-line pals have been typing away and sharing some amazing 31-day series ~ edie, melissa, emily w., darcy, nester, emily f. and on and on and on.

me? i’m the slacker.

technically, i’m the over-slacker. similar to the over-achiever. just . . . ya know . . . 180 degrees in the opposite direction. ::snort::

i went above and beyond 31 days of silence. i tacked on another 12 days for good measure.

and after 43 days of nothing happening on this blog . . . i have no idea where to even start. i’m paralyzed by thoughts, so my general randomness could possibly be even worse i fear.

1 ~ i flew out to california last month for blog sugar. i blogged about it here, here, here, here, oh . . . and here.

how’d you like all those heres? awesome, no?

i had such a great time staying at jen’s place. she is so beautiful, y’all! she doesn’t know it yet, but i’ve totally invited myself back one day. ::evil laugh::

2 ~ my girl turned 13 last month. i now, officially, have two teenagers.

you can find me crying in my closet. mmmmmkay?

3 ~ speaking of teenagers, my oldest boy drove up my driveway in a big, diesel truck saturday afternoon. my chest constricted. how is this possible?

4 ~ my man, lil’ dub {my 7 yo boy} and i ran a 5K race earlier this month. they beat me to the finish line. of course. i’m okay with that though. i was just happy i ran the whole way without keeling over. you can see a picture of me before the race with my neighbor here. she smoked me. i’m okay with that.

actually, i’m lying.

i’m kinda bitter about it.

i have competitive issues.

::snort::

this is the same neighbor that i was fairly certain i had killed her chickens. and her cat.

oh, wait? i didn’t blog about that.

her smoking me was probably revenge.

or maybe she was just faster?

obviously, i’m having a hard time letting this go.

::snort out loud::

laugh with me, y’all. not at me.

5 ~ speaking of running, we’ve been training as a family {minus the 5 yo} to run another 5K race in a couple of weeks. my oldest is going to run it with us, too. i’m kinda sorta excited about it.

6 ~ also, i’m 99.9% sure i’m going to run a 1/2 marathon next year.

7 ~ yes, i’ve lost my mind.

8 ~ to provide further evidence of #7, we’re camping this weekend as a family. tent camping.

you know, in a tent.

also, it was my idea.

mmmmmkay?

yes, i’ve taken my temperature.

no, i’m not seeing spots.

i have no explanation for my lack of sanity on this matter.

9 ~ i have trouble remembering a time when my man didn’t help out with homeschooling. i love our new routine so much.

10 ~ i feel like my blogging well has run dry, which is probably kind of obvious. ::snort out loud:: i’ve been toying with the idea of sharing my list of 100 dreams . . . . little by little. this list is something i picked up from the 168 hours book i’ve referenced before. i feel like that’s how i’m living right now. trying to live out the dreams on that list. i’m tired of making excuses and putting things off for later. i want to make things happen now.

so, what’s new with you?

::deep breath::

This is going to be a difficult post for me to write. Bare with me, y’all.

During this summer break, I’ve done a lot of thinking. A lot of thinking. Thinking about what I want out of life. Thinking about dreams that I have. Thinking about my life in general.

I asked myself some hard questions. Some uncomfortable questions.

After reading 168 Hours awhile back, I knew I could do anything I set my mind to; however, I didn’t know if I wanted to.

Let me explain.

My problem wasn’t if I could handle homeschooling, running a handmade shop, starting up a photography business, taking care of my house, or being there for my husband . . . I knew I could fit it all in, but I decided I didn’t want to live my life burning the candle at both ends. I want to enjoy life! I don’t want to see life passing me by while I’m checking things off my to-do list. I want to focus on a few things and give each of those things my heart and energy. I want to do those things well.

When the time finally came down where I needed to make a decision about what to do, I knew right away. The answer had been lying in my heart and mind for awhile.

I needed to pass the torch to someone else. Someone who I respected. Someone I knew would treat and value customers the same way I do. Someone who would provide a quality product.

That someone was Maggie Whitley ~ better known as Gussy.

I gave her a call several weeks ago and poured my heart out to her. I wanted her to take over my product line. After quietly listening, she agreed. ::happily skips around the room::

I’m in a good place. I’m happy and content with my decision. It’s the right fit for me and for my family.

This is a new chapter for me. A new chapter for Gussy.

And guess what? . . . . She’s calling the line “Eclectic Whatnot by Gussy Sews” . . . I feel my eyeballs starting to get a lil’ sweaty here, y’all.

I’m excited for myself and the dream I’m pursuing. I’m excited for Maggie and the expansion of her business. I’m just plain excited!

Before I go any further, I just have to say . . .

Thank you to all my customers. A girl could not have asked for better customers. I’m completely serious. I love y’all. You made running my shop a joy.

Thank you to all my cheerleaders and encouragers.

Thank you to all the friends I made in the homemade community. Each of you are so dear to me. You’re an inspiration to me. xo

Thank you to my family. For ya know . . . putting up with me. ::snort::

::deep breath::

Where was I?

Oh, yes . . .

I would love for all of you to stop by and check out the new product line Eclectic Whatnot by Gussy Sews. Maybe give my girl, Maggie, a sweet word of encouragement as she starts a new chapter.

y’all will have to excuse me for the entire length of this post. it’s going to be cheesy. and mushy. and generally speaking, nauseatingly and sickeningly sweet.

you’ve been warned.

continue on at the risk of your gag reflex.

i’m a selfish person. all joking aside, that’s just the gospel truth. i’m an extremely selfish person. i’ve suffered from in-grown eyeballs pretty much my entire life.

ok, let’s just say i’ve suffered my entire life. period.

that is why it is so completely and utterly humbling to see how my husband loves me.

sacrificially. wholeheartedly.

i make the decision to finally get serious about losing weight. what does he do? does he mock me or imply that i’ll just end up quitting before i make it to my goal? no way. he joins me and decides he wants to change his eating habits, too.

i decide i want to take the plunge and open my photography business after dragging my feet. what does he do? he asks how he can help.

i come to him and tell him i’m overwhelmed with homeschooling and need help. what does he do? he completely rearranges his work schedule, so he can now be home more during the day to help.

on a whim, i decide to start the couch 2 5k program and start talking about actually running in a 5k. what does he do? laugh at me? no way. he buys himself some running shoes and starts running with me.

i could go on and on.

and on and on and on about all ways he has shown his love toward me in the fourteen years we’ve been married, but i’m trying to control the cheese.

it’s all the little things he does that add up to a whole lot of wonderfulness.

and the thing is . . . . i’m a selfish person.

i have to stop and ask myself, “ruthanne, would you do for him all that he has done for you?”

i want to say yes. i do. but, i also know i’m capable of saying things to just make myself look good. it’s ugly, but it’s the truth.

i don’t deserve him.

i’m humbled by his actions.

i love him.

p.s. i just had to get that off my chest. xo