the voice of doubt and the giant of fear

it’s just me.

sharing.

opening up and exposing my heart a little bit. always a bit awkward and uncomfortable.

i’ve been in the middle of an ugly mental battle since monday.

i can’t even say with certainty what started it.

loser #1 ~ the voice of doubt

i always struggle a little with doubt. it’s not anything new. sometimes the voice is so quiet i’m not even sure it’s there. other times, like now, i feel like it’s screaming right in my ear rattling my eardrum.

it can become paralyzing. it can turn me into a quitter.

i hate it.

loser #2 ~ the giant of fear

i’m afraid.

i’m afraid all the hard work i’ve put into living a healthier life over the past year will vanish. i’m afraid i’m going to sabotage myself. i’m afraid i’m going to go back to my old ways.

and i’m afraid.

. . . . . . . .

honestly, i really want to punch both of those losers in the face.

list of dreams ~ part iii

Just in case you missed the earlier installments, here is Part I and Part II.

11} Teach a photography workshop.

I’m excited {and nervous} to announce that this is in the works! Yes, yes it is. Melissa and I are partnering up to teach a workshop together in the spring. It will be a very small workshop hosted in my home for any local people interested. We’re still in the brainstorming phase, but I am so excited about the possibilities.

I foresee lots of fun in this workshop’s future.

Also, I keep telling myself, “If you plan it, they will come.”

12} Complete the C25K program.

When I started this list back in the summer, I was in the beginning weeks of the Couch 2 5K program. I was so afraid I would quit and not finish that I added it to my List of Dreams. I hoped if I wrote it down and saw it staring back at me I would have the extra motivation to keep going.

It worked.

Man, oh man. I can’t tell y’all how good it feels to cross that off my list.

13} Tour a vineyard.

I have never ever ever ever been to a vineyard. Ever.

I want to.

Somethin’ fierce.

Who wants to be my designated driver? ‘Cuz I would totally need one.

::snort out loud::

But, seriously . . .

14} Be in a flash-mob.

If you are anything like my man, I feel I need to clarify that being in a flash-mob does not involve flashing anyone.

::snort out loud::

A flash-mob is when a group of people spontaneously break out into a choreographed dance routine in public.

The sad part of this item on my list is I had the opportunity to do this last year at Blissdom, but I chickened out.

Let me repeat that: I chickened out.

::hangs head in shame::

What was I thinking?! Lame, Ruthanne. Just lame.

15} Open a photography business.

This was a scary one for me.

Opening a business, in and of itself, is not overly complicated.

Overcoming your inner naysayer, critic and incessant doubter and deciding to take the plunge . . . that is what is scary.

Can I do this? Will I fail? Will people laugh at me behind my back? Will anyone hire me?

On and on and on . . . .

Yes, I’ll fail. Yes, people will laugh at me. Yes, there will be people who won’t hire me.

And that’s okay.

Failure is actually a good thing. It means you’re putting yourself out there and doing something.

I guess I should add another item sub-set under this one: Grow a successful and thriving business.

I’m working on it. Slowly, but surely.

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What about you? Have you started your list yet? What’s your number one?

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