The Post I’ve Dreaded Writing

This blog has been mostly silent for awhile. There’s a reason for that and I really haven’t had the energy or desire to write about it.

I’m embarrassed.

Humiliated.

I’m frustrated.

I. Am. Tired.

What in the world am I talking about?

I’ve watched friends begin new health journeys. I’ve watched their excitement and enthusiasm. I’ve seen them blast through each goal and continue to press on toward their prize.

And then I look at myself and I’m like, “Really? Really, Ruthanne? You’ve been on this journey since December of 2010. 2010! Really? You still haven’t reached your goal? In fact, you’ve backsliden? What exactly is your problem?”

I’m disgusted with myself. I want to be done.

I’m over this journey.

Suuuuuper encouraging and uplifting, right?

I’m sorry. I just don’t have it right now.

And that . . . is why I haven’t written much. I don’t have anything motivational, inspirational or otherwise tional to offer.

What can I possibly say?

“Yes, I started my journey, lost about 80 pounds, gained some back, lost a little, gained a little, lost a little, gained more and 2 1/2 years later . . . same story.”

It’s like a song on repeat. Only I don’t love this song anymore. I want to punch this song in the face. I want to throw this song down the garbage disposal and flip the on switch. I want to . . . alright, you get the general idea.

What makes this even harder for me is I feel as if I’ve let y’all down. I feel like a failure. A hypocrite.

Because I can’t just end a post like this I will tell y’all I have an accountability partner that I text with almost everyday. We started this about a month ago. I now have more good days than bad days. That’s progress. I hope.

Again, I’m sorry. I wish I had happy news. Not today.

Keepin’ it real.

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Comments

  1. I love your realness! This is how it is for 95% of people working on their own journey! Girl, you are still a huge inspiration! You are still running, you are still moving forward in the grand scheme of things. Don’t be too hard on yourself. You are worth this!

  2. No worries!! I started my “journey” on Jan 1st. I thought by now I would have lost 30 lbs. Reality? Barely 20.
    I just LOVE food too much. I don’t mean I eat tons, but we do like to go out now and then and my calorie count is prob over what it should be on a daily basis. I did myself a favor and didn’t set a limit for myself. I just said one day at a time. So, that is what I am doing. I, too, hear the “I’m Tired” bit…me too!!! Tired of watching what I eat, working out like crazy, etc…but it’s only been 6 months. But I forge on….
    You have done WELL. And you are still inspiring. Take a well-deserved break!!

  3. you are such an inspiration. even when you are down i know you have accomplished so much. every journey is hard: motherhood, marriage, weight loss, and there are times when we all want to give up. even when my goal is right there within my reach i’ll do things to mess it up. it’s a journey. every day is a chance to move forward. you can do it!

  4. Heck, I can’t even find the motivation to start. So I applaud you!! Seriously, you rock!

  5. hey, I’ve loved watching your story unfold. And a story isn’t a good, real one without honest challenges! No one said this path is easy, and all the natural skinny people have no clue how hard it is physiologically and psychologically to keep the weight off, much less get all the way to goal! I’ve been fighting hard again the bulge as well and blog about it too. I am pregnant now so after getting out of the ‘obese” zone on the BMI charts last year, I just don’t want to end back up there when this pregnancy is done! OB says I don’t have to gain anymore weight this third trimester, that for me and my history the best thing for me and baby is to just maintain my current weight. After working hard to lose for so long you’d think maintaining would be easy, but NO!! its tough stuff. I started a ‘fit friday’ series on my blog to motivate myself to stay accountable and post my daily calorie count and workout history and I was doing well at first, then I went on vacation this weekend and I think you know how that went…didn’t even post this past friday. you’ve inspired me to come clean and be transparent with the reality of healthy living and how hard it it, how slip ups happen. The challenge is for us not to give up, to keep fighting. our ‘resistance against temptation” muscles will get stronger, slowly but surely. Look at how different things are for you than when you started. Think about the progress you have made and be grateful. Don’t compare yourself to an image of perfection–compare yourself to where you have come from and keep on keeping on! you can do this!

  6. It’s hard to rock (at telling the truth and keepin’ it real) at the same time you suck (for not meeting your goals). I have the internal dialogue with myself DAILY. I think part of the journey is discovering that it’s perfectly ok (human, even!) to have the crap days, the what the HECK days, and I totally respect you for sharing with us that you’re struggling. We all are, babes!

  7. You are still an inspiration to us all. Even if you gained every pound back. Don’t ever doubt that.

    Signed,
    A Struggling Kettle

  8. You are Amazing!! It took a lot of courage to write this post, I admire you! I wish you the best!

    I hope you continue to blog so I can follow along.

    Hugs, my friend!

  9. I know I don’t post much if ever to you…but I feel like I could have written this one myself. I would love to be a daily email/text support system as well. I know how hard it can be to keep going. I am even training for my very first half marathon and it’s tough bc I’m not where I want to be. BUT…you have to keep your head up and keep your heart strong. :)

  10. You are such an inspiration! Don’t ever think you are not. It’s not always about the number on the scale, you’ve changed your lifestyle and are living a healthy life…RUNNING! Not everyone can say they can get out and run every day. Keep your chin up, no need to be so hard on yourself. :)

  11. the journey is definitely a marathon…..and you’ve maybe hit a rough spot….but look at all you have accomplished!! you are doing great. and thanks for keeping it real – those “here is my perfect journey” stories always seem like BS to me….

  12. I hope you know you’re still an inspiration. Look at how far you’ve come! We don’t always meet our goals, but we improve ourselves on the journey. I’ve seen that in you through these years. What I love is that you are always honest and real. I haven’t been running lately. When I don’t run I don’t feel good about myself. I fell and hurt my arm a couple of weeks ago (trying to keep a little girl from hitting her head on the concrete at the pool during a swim meet, not running) and they can’t find what’s wrong with it. So no running for a while. I’ll be 50 next month and I feel like I’m falling apart. But I’m going to patiently take it one day at a time. Keep your chin up!

  13. Yvonne C says:

    I think a lot of people have gotten to where you are. I too lost a lot of weight, was exercising and even did two 5k’s last year. Then boom, I fell off the wagon and it has been extremely hard to get motivated to get back on track. We all feel frustrated with ourselves and really beat ourselves up for it too.
    I keep saying I am going to get back on track and I hope for me, that just reading your struggle will help motivate me to get moving and eating better again. Hang in there Ruthanne! You are not alone!

  14. I seriously could have written this post. Except guess what? I started my weight loss “journey” in January 2008. 2000-freakin’-8! And I’m still not at my goal. In fact, for the first time in years, I’m actually heavier than I was when the year started. It sucks. I have all but stopped blogging too, and I’ve thought about just shutting down my blog because after so many years, I am tired, too.

    BUT I just want to say that you have been so inspirational to me with your running and how you’ve conquered goal after goal and race after race. Do not feel like a hypocrite. Do not apologize. No one is perfect, and sometimes it takes our weaknesses to show us how strong we really are. Hugs to you!

  15. Ruthanne!
    I basically don’t have time to write a comment right now because G is due home any minute and of course the bed isn’t made yet.
    If you only knew.
    If you only knew the countless times I’ve thought of you while I’ve been out walking or hiking and wishing I could go in more of a HEALTH conscious direction with my blog.
    I’ll say to myself, “Ruthanne TOTALLY transformed her blog! She just did it! And you can too.”
    I’ll also say “WOW!!!!! Look at Ruthanne!”
    “WOW! WOW! WOW!”
    “WHAT! Ruthanne is running MARATHONS! This is SO FABULOUS!”
    You have no idea all the people you are inspiring Ruthanne.
    Thank you for inspiring me in the ways that you have.
    Your life is SO FULL!
    Your passion is SO embedded in YOU!
    YOU ARE GLOWING & LIVING LIFE in it’s purest form!
    ENJOY!
    LOOK at you!
    You are running!
    You are honestly a tremendous motivator!
    That’s all.
    Now I need to go make the bed at 5 p.m.! ;)
    Many many many HUGS from Bainbridge Island!
    xo

  16. Thank you for your honesty.
    1. Don’t compare your journey to anyone else’s. I often feel super discouraged when I see others posting things. With you I never did though.
    2. What is goal weight? I mean yes it’s important to lose pounds, but what if that number didn’t matter? What if your goal was to grow stronger, more disciplined and lead a healthy lifestyle?
    3. You freaking run marathons. Hello!!!
    4. Comparison is the thief of all joy. No matter what stage you are at in your journey someone is going to be better.

    I love you. I’m proud of you no matter what. Be proud of yourself. You could have chosen to never try.

  17. Love you. Always.

  18. Thank you for your realness and don’t forget to practice a measure of grace with yourself. Hugs.

  19. Well, you may not find this post motivational or inspirational, or any other “tional”, but I do! It is very heartening to see someone be real about their weight loss journey and honest about their perceived failures. Let’s face it, most of us fail. This is not an easy journey. You have been an encouragement and inspiration to me – I ran a half marathon this year (OK, I’ll be honest – walked most of it) mostly because of you; and I am not alone, judging by many of the comments throughout your blog.

    And just in case you need this post to be some type of “tional”, here’s one for ya: EXCEPTIONAL!

  20. First of all, I love that your honest and real.

    Second, I started reading your blog because I want to run…maybe even …eek…run a marathon someday. I’ve started and stopped so many times in just trying to build a base to run a full 5k. But, your story is so motivational…even on “real” days because let’s face it…most of us have more real days where we just have to get up and keep pushing than those days where we’re flying high.

    Keep at it! Give yourself some grace and rest also.

  21. Thank you for sharing your heart with us today. You really have accomplished so much!
    prayers and hugs

  22. Bethany says:

    Thank you for your honesty! I’m reading Eat to Lose, Eat to Win right now and am finding it so easy to follow! Maybe if you just changed things up a bit it might help your motivation. You have motivated me this past year. I work out 5 times a week for an hour, using the Skogg kettle bell DVD’s 3 days a week and work with a personal trainer the other 2. In the past year and a half I’ve gained 20 lbs!!! What!!! Please don’t tell me the story that muscle weighs more then fat, I’ve heard it before, Thank you! I ended up going on meds last week (estrogen and progesterone) hopefully that will help. There have been so many times I’ve wanted to throw in the sweat drenched towel but I haven’t this time around because my body has changed for the better in some ways and my boys are watching! I’ve lost and gained before but this time I just can’t give up! Think outside the box to find inspiration! How about you start a local group of beginner runners or talk to a weight loss group about your weight loss journey…..I believe in you and so do so many others!

  23. This post is why I adore your blog! This is what I needed to hear after looking at my flabby 40 something arms yesterday thinking, “I will start over tomorrow because it was too hard today….sigh.” You are the epitome of REAL, not plastic perfect house with Pinterest projects and fresh rosemary from your garden on your free range grilled chicken breasts dinner kinda blog girl (although I read them, too, at times). Running a 5k is on my bucket list so I signed up for a color run in November because of you. So keep posting, even if you don’t think it’s encouraging, because it helps to know I am not alone!

  24. Bonnie P says:

    Did you really think you could get away with writing a post like this and not receiving a ton of up lifting comments? :) I read them through them all and wow. It helped me and I’m hoping they help you. I will just say ditto to everything before me. You are all those things and don’t ever forget what honesty does. I was wondering where you had been, I should have known that I too withdraw when times are hard but usually reaching out is exactly what is needed. YOU GO GIRL!

  25. You did not let us down at all! All the contrary, reading your blog, I’m amazed by what you have accomplished… running marathons… I wish, I can hardly run 5k. Sticking with your plan, getting back after the downs… I wish I could say the same. I’ve got this secret blog where I put my progress just for myself, and I have more downs than up, I give up and start again all the time, and I wish I could say I have lost weight, than I am on the road to a healthy me… nope!
    You did not let me down, you remind me that it’s a long way, that it is not easy… I wish I could be in your neighborhood and I wish I have a friend like you to share the journey. I follow your blog for the inspiration, and I love your sense of humor, your family values and for the fact that it is about a real life.
    Keep calm and carry on, as they say on this part of the world.
    Take care,
    Caroline

  26. Ruthanne, Please don’t think that you let anyone down. You are such an inspiration. Such a beautiful person. Thank you for being so real and honest. Take care! ((((HUGS))))

  27. STAHP!! You are awesome! You are beating yourself up about being a human. You have come a huge, huge distance. Life is a journey, not a destination. You are taking an incredible journey and have graciously invited us along for the ride. Thank you! You will get there. Promise!!

  28. Oh!
    Hello there!
    It’s just me over here again reading all the encouraging comments your faithful readers who LOVE you are leaving.
    Hugs!
    And YOU ROCK!
    xo

  29. thanks for being real. i’ve been silent on my own blog because i don’t want to say anything negative about what’s going on in my own life. it’s a different struggle, but a struggle all the same. thanks for speaking up and crushing the fear to speak your story. i’m not there yet.

  30. Oh dear! don’t be upset & don’t compare you with others. I have spent plenty of time amongst both groups that is happy & unhappy people. Happy people are happy because they make themselves happy. They maintain a positive outlook on life and remain at peace with themselves. Be positive always, don’t dwell on the past or worry about the future. See problems as a challenges because a problem is viewed as a drawback, a struggle, or an unstable situation while a challenge is viewed as something positive like an opportunity, a task, or a dare. Whenever you face an obstacle, try looking at it as a challenge. Then, definitely you’ll achieve your goal.

  31. Annette says:

    You my friend are such an amazing person! I love you for many reasons but how fast you run or how skinny you are is not included!!! I am thankful to running for bringing us together and I look forward to many more runs with you but most of all I just love you for you!!!