ever have bad days?

I’m having a bad day, y’all.

That voice in my head won’t shut off.

The mocking, condemning, never content voice.

It’s been brewing for a while now, but reared its ugly head last night.

We were headed out as a family and my man asked if I might want to change into shorts since it was rather warm out.

Simple, innocent question.

Poor guy.

I bit the man’s head off.

I own one pair of shorts. And (bonus) they actually fit now, but I won’t wear them.

Why? Because I hate my legs (and I’m not just referring to the fact they could possibly blind someone with how white they are).

What is wrong with me?

I mean . . . I’ve lost almost 80 pounds, but when I look at myself that’s not what I see.

I go to the gym, look in that huge mirror on the wall and see a woman in her mid-30s with a jiggly gut and thunder thighs.

I see arms so flappy that they could knock out a small child.

I see other parts of my body so pathetically saggy they might as well forgo support and just get tucked into my pants . . . maybe I’m exaggerating . . . or not.

I see cottage cheese. I hate cottage cheese.

Stretch marks, anyone?

I’m discouraged.

When I feel like this, I feel . . . defeated. It won’t matter when I finally make it to my goal weight because all of those things on my list ~ they’ll still be there.

What’s the point then? Why am I doing all of this?

All of these words are on repeat in my mind.

And I hate it.

**********************************

Do you ever feel like this?

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Comments

  1. YES! I think we all feel like this at some point. I look at my body in the mirror (NEEDING to lose 80lbs) and think…how in the world will my huge flabby belly ever shrink. It is discouraging.

    But, seriously, I think of people like you who have accomplished sooo much and it’s motivation to me. I know my body will not look like a model when this is all said and done, but it will look better than what it has. My husband will probably still like it. I have to focus on those things. Things like…I’m actually running for 2 minutes in a row! ha! I’m happier after I exercise! I’ll have more energy to play with my 18 month old daughter. Those things have to be my motivation. Not my warped perception of my body.

    Anyways, I hope you feel encouraged because you are an encouragement to me and the girls who are on this journey with me. We appreciate your honesty and openness. We appreciate your posts like this that let us know that the people we strive to be like face days just like us. You are not alone!! Proud of you!!!

  2. You are doing it because you want to be healthy. Because you want to be a good example for your children. You’re doing it because you wanted to loose those lbs. I wish you had a picture of yourself to compare to what you see in the mirror now. I personally am so proud of you I cannot even find the words to express it. Your accomplishment is phenominal. How many people do you know that have done that on their own? You did not succumb to gastric bypass. You have done it by sheer will and determination. Just look at how far you have come. You talked about falling off the wagon last week. I did too – that darn Sonic was calling. But you got right back on track. I wish I had started a healthier journey when I was your age. Keep going – don’t give up. Remember those legs and arms didn’t get in that condition over night, months or years. It was a culmination of all that time. And so it will also be if you perserver – keep up the good work. You will one day be there!

  3. SO been here. SO, SO been here. I don’t really even know what to say except that I know exactly what you are feeling. Our own eye is the most critical, always remember that. Other women are looking to you and are inspired by what you have accomplished. You are healthy. You are strong. You are beautiful……..but I have SO been here. XO

  4. I don’t think we will ever be able to truly love ourselves until we can love ourselves “as is” or how we are at the moment. It’s hard. I don’t have any weight to lose but I’ve had three kids (and stretch marks), I’ve always had cellulite, and I just have bad days too. There used to be a lot of days that were bad but since I’ve started running I’ve started appreciating my body for what it can do instead of what it looks like. I ran 13.1 miles! I feel strong and that makes me feel great regardless of my weight or size or what I look like.

  5. i’m right there with you, ruthanne. both when i look in the mirror, and when i look at my own progress (or lack thereof) in my photography endeavor. today (literally today) is one of those days where i want to scrap it all and crawl in to bed. instead of looking in the mirror or looking ahead, sometimes it’s good to look back to see how far you’ve come. celebrate THAT documented success rather than dwell on those not yet achieved.

  6. stinks to feel that way :( I have been feeling that lately myself…saw some photos taken of me on Mother’s Day that weren’t attractive. Ugh. Hope it passes.

  7. yes, but i also just read Captivating by the Eldridges, which has completely changed the way i see myself. you need to read it. it won’t help your legs look better, but may help you not hurt your hubby for his suggestions;)

  8. yep.
    yep. yep. yep.

    a lot, actually.

    sometimes i hate my body more now that i have lost all this weight.
    i’m not sure which it is – but it’s one of two things – or perhaps a combo of both.

    the first being that my inside parts are so much smaller and have to fit in such a larger outside skin.
    the second being that after losing a ton of weight, i have become hyper sensitive to what my body actually looks like. so i notice things more now.

    when i first lost all the weight, i went through a great period of being super confident.
    but now that i’m a few years in, and a few (not a ton, but a small chunk) lbs heavier than my lowest, i feel worse than i did when i started the whole thing.

    losing weight is one complicated mammajamma.
    it is an emotional roller coaster.
    and i definitely do not know where it will end up :)

    bottom line: i feel ya sister.

  9. Don’t listen to that voice in your head. It lies. I hear it.all.the.time. I have never had to lose a lot of weight. I was always thin up until I had my last baby. (At which time I asked my mom “Who’s thighs are these? Cause they aren’t mine!” Cottage cheese city.) My poor husband has listened to how “fat” I am since we met. I was 5′ 10 3/4″ tall and 140 pounds, for Pete’s sake. Stayed that way until the last baby at 38. I look back and know my image of myself is distorted. It’s a disease.

    Look how far you’ve come, Ruthanne. Your journey is so inspiring. Don’t give into the discouragement. Don’t listen. Do listen to the one voice that matters. God loves us no matter what our size or rolls or jiggles. And that man of yours? He thinks you’re beautiful cause you are.

  10. Yup! And then I go on with nobody likes me. I done something that makes people not like me. Feel inadequate in every area of my life and want to curl up in fetal position. I hear you big time. As for me and my weight…I’m my heaviest I’ve ever been and don’t care right now. That scares me.

    I hate that we are so hard on ourselves. I hate cottage cheese too. I’m sorry you are feeling this way. You are not alone.

    You know what else I hate…I hate that I think after 3 weeks of working out I should look firm and tone. I mean I feel firm and tone on the inside…but the outside tells a different story. Hang in there girlie. You are doing a great thing for your body. And I only wear long bermuda style shorts. They are better than jeans and capris but I can cross my legs and not worry about my cottage cheese hanging out on the bottom side!

  11. As I look past the roll, that could not possibly be ‘my’ stomach, to type this I feel what you are saying.
    Remember this body is TEMPORARY! Eternal perspective :)

    God looks at the heart!

    You ARE beautiful even when you don’t ‘feel’ it. Our emotions can and do ‘lie’.

    Love ya!

  12. I could have said what Kelly said exactly. We ALL feel this way from time to time, no matter what reality is.

    I also agree with the sentiment above about being hypersensitive now that there has been some weight loss. My hubby started running about 2 months ago and he’s lost weight but still has more to go but now that he’s actually lost some weight, he’s become MUCH more critical of himself and what he has left to go instead of being proud of where he’s come from. I think that’s normal – he wasn’t even paying attention before so he was blissfully ignorant but now that he cares, he really cares, you know what I mean?

    We all have struggles to get to places we want to be in life and it can be discouraging if we look at how far we have to go instead of how far we’ve come. I am not on the same journey as you with this, but I am still SO inspired by you so I know that those that are on the same journey must admire you so much and use you as an example that it can be done, happily and healthily. You are amazing!! Now go put on a pair of shorts!

  13. ticia kay says:

    First off let me just say- I’m not a stalker…..but were you in the Cabot Walmart today? (Thought it was you but not quite sure) my point is if it was you, I thought you looked awesomely beautiful! :o )

  14. Lies, Lies, Lies. You are AWSOME! Right there with you.

  15. #1…you are HOT. Smoking. Even before you got all skinny from running and such. No, seriously. It’s totally true.

    #2…I once read an article about people who grew up the “fat kid” their whole lives (I’m not saying that’s you…I have no idea)…anyway, they lived the bulk of their lives on the heavy side and then as adults, even after losing literally 100′s of pounds still see themselves as fat. Even when they’re in a size 6. It’s as if their brains are wired permanently that way. Connections were made, and even though they are no longer heavy, the connections stayed. The same was true for people who grew up skinny. That as they grew older and heavier (and in some cases were now considered obese) they view themselves as “chubby” or “put on a few pounds” but overall thought they looked good and still dressed the part…even if the halter top was a size 24 this time around. (you know people like this. we all do.)

    Anyway, all of that to say that it’s all lies and it’s okay to have bad days but just try to keep in mind that your brain isn’t always right.

    And, that shorts are of the devil. I’m certain of it. I remember being 16 years old, a size 4, and feeling self conscious when I sat down and they “spread out”. (HA!) Just throw those shorts away now. Cut some old jeans at the knee and stick with skirts. Seriously. It’s just not worth it.

  16. Can I just put something in perspective? You have a man who loves you, finds you hot, and likes private time with you (snort) no matter how you look because you’re a beautiful soul! I feel that way all the time and have yet to snare some poor sucker. ; )

  17. Have you ever looked back at pictures of yourself in the past and thought “Why didn’t I love my body then?! I was gorgeous!” Well honey, you are gorgeous. Your body is doing amazing things for you, especially those legs of yours, so show the love! I understand the negative thoughts. Trust me. I am living in Spain right now and am a size 20 girl in a country that has the second lowest BMI in all of Europe. Yes your journey is an inspiration for me, but more importantly it should be an inspiration for you. Enjoy your new body and find a way to dress that you love!

  18. There are not many things I could say that have not already been said. You have some amazing people in your court that cheer you on at every step! There is one thing on my heart that I want to share. YOU are fearfully and wonderfully made,
    Psalm 119:13-16
    13 For you created my inmost being;
    you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
    14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
    your works are wonderful,
    I know that full well.
    15 My frame was not hidden from you
    when I was made in the secret place,
    when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
    16 Your eyes saw my unformed body;
    all the days ordained for me were written in your book
    before one of them came to be.

    God made YOU, and no matter what you weigh or how you look, you are HIS child and he knows every hair on your head. Satan is the one that puts those thoughts in our heads. (My thoughts were/are awful today b/c I have gained another 5 lbs. because I let Satan get a hold of me and derail me.) I will leave you with a couple of verses from my favorite chapter in the Bible right now.
    Romans 8
    26 In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans. 27 And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for God’s people in accordance with the will of God.

    28 And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. 29 For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brothers and sisters. 30 And those he predestined, he also called; those he called, he also justified; those he justified, he also glorified.

    KEEP UP the GREAT WORK!

  19. It seems to me that no matter what the mountain is, weight, body image, addiction, anything that we are striving to overcome, spending every waking moment thinking about it will only make it seem unattainable and out of reach. We see this all the time with people struggling to overcome addictions. The harder they try, they more they feel like a failure. What about ALL the many, many other wonderful attributes about you? You are smart and talented, funny and loving. You are a good mother, wife, friend. I love what Julie said and the scriptures she gave are truth! God sees us so differently than we see ourselves. If we focused on seeing ourselves the way He sees us ALONG with putting in the time to be HEALTHY, we would feel so much more satisfied with the little wins. Your stretch marks, although not pretty, are signs of being a mother. That’s something many women would give anything to have. Look at your About me page…..you are pretty amazing. Just my two cents.

  20. It’s just the “fear of success” haunting you. When you get close to your goal….all kinds of reasons not to accomplish the goal come up. If you look at yourself and don’t like what you see, then why finally accomplish that goal….why not give up….you won’t like yourself the new way anyway. It’s just your “loser” self trying to outsmart your “winner” self….don’t listen. You won’t think that way any more once you’ve actually gotten past the obstacles and accomplished what you started out to do.
    Don’t beat yourself up for getting angry at your husband for suggesting you wear shorts. Men think differently than we do and what their legs look like in shorts is not something they even consider, they think about the heat. Maybe we should too!
    You are still in “I’m too fat to wear shorts” mode….it will take a while for that to change. Give yourself a break, you’ve done so well so far. And everyone here has said it….you look great!
    I think maybe you’re obsessing a bit and need to focus on some thing other than weight loss, I know that’s hard when you’re in the battle but sometimes we get tired of the battle because we’ haven’t had a rest. Soldiers go on R&R, you need that too.
    Sorry I’ve gone on and on, but hope that this makes a little sense.

  21. It’s easy to say “Don’t be discouraged” but the truth of the matter is it’s hard sometimes to not be. We live in a world where we are force fed the idea that the ideal woman is a size 0-2 and even those women get their “flaws” airbrushed out. How is the average woman supposed to compete with that!?! The avg woman is a 14-16. WOW! I recently saw on Ellen that Khole Kardashian is a 6. Imagine that! How many of us have looked at her and compared her to her sisters or even other people and found her to be “a little on the round side”?
    The truth of the matter is that you are your own worst critic. Why is it that we always find our “perceived flaws” before our assets? I say “perceived flaws” because in most cases it’s only a flaw to us. I bet your man loves you just as much now as he did 80 lbs. ago. (Way to go, btw!!!!!) He probably found you just as desire-able then as he does now.
    I purposefully try not to look at my “offending areas” any more than I have to, because I know they are way more offensive to me than anyone else, and a small part of me realizes that most people would never even notice or think about them. I hope that you will be able to find the joy in the new fit of your old shorts and wear them with pride. Better yet, go buy yourself a new pair and kick your self doubt in the rear. If you do that often enough perhaps it will just get up and leave. :)

  22. Bonnie P says:

    You are what has INSPIRED me to get my butt moving again. I started a 5K Runmeter program on my iPhone 3 and 1/3 weeks ago and even got my 17 year old daughter out with me who up until then would NEVER exercise. Now my 22 yr old daughter in AZ is also doing it, having just had her 1st baby 6 months ago. She’ll be here soon for a visit and we will run together. We could hardly do the 1 1/2 minute run intervals. Our first 5 minute run intervals start today. (I’m a little scared.) BUT…all because I saw you doing it!
    Don’t let a bad day keep you down. This coming from a person who has been struggling with the blues for months now. We so need to CHEER each other to keep going and focus on what matters.
    Thanks for being real!

  23. Been there more times then I’d like to admit…I am actually there right now and even though it dosent make it better it makes it easier to deal with to know I am not alone so I hope that knowledge will help you deal too *hug*

  24. You are certainly not alone. You need to tell that little voice to hush up because you are amazing. I am small, healthy, and generally have a good self-esteem, but I can’t help but think I’m still the overweight, underappreciated girl from four years ago. Its silly and annoying, and I am constantly thinking I will gain my weight back, but I try my best to not let these thoughts overwhelm me. Stay positive, Ruthann!

  25. We are all diamonds in the rough. Keep shining. Completely know how you feel. My rule is that I just don’t wear shorts anymore, unless they are long. There are just so many other options out there…I am a believer that we have emotional memories tied to our clothing, good to just throw those babies in the Goodwill box, let someone else enjoy them, and buy or make something new. :)

    Here’s a good story on that topic: I had a young man and woman walk by my home the other night. The woman asked for a sweater or jacket for the young (teenager) man. I went to my closet. Now, mind you, I live in a house filled with women, no men (I’m divorced with two teenaged daughters). I had told her that, but he was wearing only a t-shirt and was stranded over here for the night. She said, anything is better than a t-shirt. I looked and looked, and didnt see much. I finally pulled out an old red Patagonia fleece that was a wedding gift from my husband to me in 1996. It was warm and thick and kind of manly-looking. I haven’t worn it in over ten years, or more. Why the heck I still had it is a mystery to me, but I did. I gave it to them and they both had big smiles on their faces as they thanked me and walked away.

    My point here is that we can bring ourselves, and other people, joy by eliminating items from our lives that no longer serve us. This may not be that kind of item for you…….not sure if you might be attached to the shorts for any reason…..but I just think that the act of letting go can be soooooo freeing. Every time I looked at that fleece, it reminded me of my wonderful wedding and my painful divorce. Now, I won’t look at it ever again, and it is keeping someone warm and happy and is a reminder for that young man (who grew up in my neighborhood, but his family had since moved away) that people can still be kind and generous.

    You and your journey are an inspiration. We all have our good and bad days, it is a part of life. how would be appreciate the good days without having the bad ones? Keep running and go shopping for a hot new item for your beautiful body and soul :)

  26. Ever feel like this? More days than I care to admit! UG! I hear ya. As a woman 80 pounds lighter than I use to be….with a jiggly gut and thighs…..and so tired of sucking it in!! I so hear ya…..

  27. Melissa says:

    Girlfriend, ya gotta keep at it-I am five-two & 104 pounds, not fat by any means but boy do I hate summer & my bony arms & cellulite infested legs but I’ll keep working out & hopefully!
    Keep at it & don’t give up hope!
    P.S. Your picture on What we said looked great!

  28. YES! I think this is what has me stalled right now. I went shopping over the weekend to spend some money my hubs got me for Mother’s Day, and I got SO depressed. I tried on shorts and realized that because of my thighs I will probably never feel comfortable wearing shorts. Having lost 88 pounds, that sucks. I don’t know how to get past it, either, which is why I’ve been stuck at the same weight all month. Sigh. I feel you, sister, I feel you!

  29. yes…definitely. my repeat words might not be about the same stuff…but believe me…it happens. in a way, i almost think it’s good to have a “feelin’ low” day. it allows me to appreciate the good days so much more. if everyday was awesome in every way, things would be too easy…and i would probably start getting lazy and not recognize them for what they are…a gift to be thankful for. you’re totally okay ruthanne…stay positive…tomorrow’s a new day and i’m willing to bet it’s going to be a lot better. :)

  30. I love you for being real. I hope today is a better day and those voices stay quiet. Ditto to everything everyone said too, you are amazing!